Lawyers On Tour: Nets report

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Nets report

Rare guests at the nets tonight...we are indeed fortunate to have shared the nets with 3 distinguished commentors:

- Cory TV
- Our coach
- Wisden

1.Cory TV paid us a visit, in the form of Cory, their Live video correspondent [aka travelling WAG Corinna Ferguson, taking time out from busy HL practice], who conducted a series of live interviews with the Skip, and many more. In the longer term we will be graced with the video footage of her video analysis of the various "bowling" actions on display...but first her interview with the skip:

Q: Cory TV, (slightly breathlessly to the Skip): "So what do you think are your strengths in the touring party?"

A: The Skip [a little too breathless, as he is not quite yet in peak physical condition]: "Well, we bring a formidable team of drinkers to the party!"

Q: "And your cricketing assets?"

A: "I feel we will sledge well" [said in true Steve Waugh style deadpan]

Q: "What are the strengths of your bowling attack?"

A: "Without doubt our ability to take the opposition by surprise!"

Cue Cory TV 's trophy boyfriend Dave "SuperHarmy" Rhodes giving everyone a surprise, by bowling a lively beamer that cleared the batsman and keeper and breaks the back of the net, with a bullet that moves and lifts in the air a good foot, without actually touching the turf [do not fear, fellow brothers in arms;he then bowled a snorter that seamed and left the batsman before breaking the off peg]

2. Our coach - Tony the inactive Tiger: Tony is a nice man but a pretty rubbish coach; however, as an analyst of our abilities he is up there with Bumble. His analysis went like this:

"You are a team of triers who seem to have a lot of bits and pieces cricketers" [euphemism for: you have no bowlers, but everyone turns their arm]; he then compounds his analysis by stating [I swear he said this] - "you are a bit like the present England team in fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I confess that for once I was lost for words

3.WISDEN: the last word must go to the Wisden correspondent who came down to record "THE OTHER ENGLAND TOURING TEAM'S PROGRESS....."

Their correspondent stated: "God help India - I am not sure they are ready for you lot" .....HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS!!

Yours in Cyberspace...

the ever improving [and frankly taking a lot of caught deep mid wicket scalps] Henman

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TOUR AWARDS - THE OSCARS 2009

Tourist of the Year: Jamie Williams for a multitude of sins ranging from 3 golden ducks in circumstances too hilarious to describe, eating a red onion and goats cheese tart, the purple shoes, the inability to run, losing and then finding Bewcc our parrot mascot, running himself out twice and then blaming it all on his hamstrings ...and the shortcomings of his pre tour yoga routine

Player of the Year: Quentin Newcombe for top batting and bowling, and some inspirational work in the field - just beating off stiff competition from Bobby F and Deni

Champagne Moment: Joint equal =
-Mat Gullick for his catch against West Indies
- Deni Mathews for his majestic balletic dive at full stretch to take a catch on Monday

Gaffe of the tour: at the legal symposium Deni siddled up to Bob and asked, "who is that old chap?"
Bob: "Thats Lord Clarke!"
Deni: "Who's he?"
Bob [amazed, and with a hint of puce as he is the most senior Judge in the country and had just been the lead speaker]: "The Master of the Rolls"
Deni: [muttering frantically to save face] "we don't see him much in Plymouth Crown Court so how should I know him?"
Rumours of Deni's elevation to the High Court Bench can now be well and truly scotched

Mentioned in Dipatches -For Services to the British Brewing Industry when touring 20 pubs, 1 Church and a sculpture garden in 1 day
- Charles Prior [Sir Alan Sugar]
- Bobby Forrest [The Apprentice]

Peter Kay award for worst fielding: hotly contested as ever [although they sadly failed to hang on to the trophy] but won by
- Jamie Cameron [for dropping a catch one of Ollys children would have hung on to} and then kicking it - even Jamie Williams could have caught this
Comparisons to epiletic squids were rejected by the jury

The I am a lawyer and I'll show it award:
To Bobby Forrest for seeking to robing room and gain a fast food advantage at breakfast over his opponent [a hapless chef] by deploying language better suited to the chancery divsion - a place Bobby has never been anyway!
Bobby: "May I invite you, in lieu of tomato and baked beans to consider awarding me a further one of your most excellent sausages"
Reply by angry chef: "In loo...?"
Boby: "Yes my good man this is a perfectly common legal maxim used in most chancery breakfast rooms"
Chef: "I dont give a xxxx what you have for breakfast mate"
Exit Bobby triumphantly brandishing purloined sausages

Kit award - Peter Dodd [again and forever] - the man brought 2 bags of kit - sadly he had an average of 2 runs per kitbag

Mentioned in dispatches on the kit award was Jamie Williams for attempting to compensate for his lack of time in the middle [his innings rarely lasted more than 30 seconds] by wearing a cricket sweater at every opportunity

Singing award: to the Two Degrees [Pat and Eve] and their backing singers [The cricketing Temptations] for their rendition of I close my eyes with only the vaguest reference to the conventional melodies.....

Specsavers award: David Rhodes [another one to sing "I close my eyes" whilst batting ... ] after his alarmingly frank disclosure from our rumbustuous number 4 that he "could not see the ball that bowled him"

Outfit award: Philip M for wearing skins

Worst run out award: amazingly not won by Jamie Williams - even though our welsh flyer ran himself out countless times. The worst offence was again dealt to poor Philip M who was run out by his own runner

Excessive use of golf shots award:
Bob Percival for repeated use of 9 iron whilst purporting to bat

Elegance in the face of adversity:
Charles Prior ignored all efforts at warm ups and post wicket celebrations and had a hearty training regime involving in excess of a dozen pints and 2 breakfasts a day + he then manfully refused to play anything approaching a cross bat shot regardless of the match position...the Corinthinian spirit abounds

The cloak of invisibility award: not awarded but taken by Jarod, who flits in and out of the team like a silver phantom...and is seldom seen and much missed

Phantom illness award: Deni Mathews [the Devon destroyer] arrived clutching his side stating that he had an intercostal injury - that he said he got gig racing but we later discovered was acquired extending hospitality to a large proportion of the female community of Devon.

Leaping Salmon award for most improved fielder: Jay began the tour with a catching style that was pure efficacy but had something of the basking shark about it; he failed to understand the key element of showboating that is required in the filed; by the Pakistan game the spirit of Bewcc had overtaken him and he was leaping like a prize salmon and thundering to the earth as if shot...buffalo style

Umpires Enemy award: also known as the "Let me take the heat off williams award" - this award must go to Olly "Roger" Moore after a series of decisions that can only be described as a surreal interpetation of the laws of cricket by a succession of umpires ...who were clearly bewildered by his foxy wife and family ...and possibly motivated by envy

Amendment to the rules of cricket award: - Olly again ...
Olly was the only batsman in World Cup history to be dismissed under the one hand one bounce law variation more normally confined to backyard cricket with your maiden aunt or his children

Mismatched partners award: Jay and Jamie Williams - one is fast + runs [when so inclined]
- the other processes like an Edwardian lady preserving her petticoats

Elton John award - Mat G for bearing manfully the lack of kariaoke and for failing to allow wistful memories of "ping pong" to upset his composure at the wicket,or when finally giving us his special version of "Its no sacrifice"

Best sledge: both times to the Aussies
- come on boys they can't stand the heat
- you could not even catch swine flu

Biggles award for most weird cricketing apparel:
JC - our beloved leader, who yesterday [turning his back on his weaknesses for yogi and the hakka ...see earlier posts under "memories of India"] settled for an admirable portrayal in the style of Biggles - if Biggles had ever worn goggles like JC did yesterday the red Baron would have shot him down before breakfast and been home in time for yogi and crumpets

Grace Under pressure award:
Bob Percival for being Biggles' wingman

Long suffering award: Doug our amazing driver

About Us

THE LAWYERS' WORLD CUP:
We are representing England in the second Lawyers' Cricket World Cup - a limited-overs competition played in Cambridge. Loyal fans may recall the team travelled to India for the last clash and achieved an illustrious no-win result.
But this time it will be different. Teams who have made the trip to Cambridge for this cracking competition include:
Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, West Indies, India, Sri Lanka and Pakistan.
Welcome to our web page and blog, which will be regularly updated.

The India Schedule

30-12-2007
Inaugural function - followed by an exhibition match between International Judges XI Vs. International Lawyers XI - followed by Lunch hosted by the Hyderabad Cricket Association.
Dinner Hosted by the Bar Council of India.

31-12-2007
Ist Round Robin league matches - New Year's Eve function would be organized in the evening.

1-01-2008
Rest Day - Visiting places of interest in and around Hyderabad.

2-01-2008
2nd Round Robin league matches

3-01-2008
3rd Round Robin league matches

4-01-2008
International Seminar at NALSAR University of Law, Shamiret just outside Hyderabad.

5-01-2008
4th Round Robin league matches

6-01-2008
5th Round Robin league matches.

7-01-2008
Finals between the top two teams.
Closing ceremony.